god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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