I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
