I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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