Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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