I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think my moral compass just broke
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
