if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
