It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
