I wish I could punch you in the face.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize