I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
