at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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