I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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