he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
