you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize