We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
