dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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