Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
