Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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