Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize