The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
