You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
