i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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