Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
