I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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