I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
