My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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