My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
