epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
