Soap is not a condiment
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
