How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
