My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
