watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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