Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
