I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
