she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize