This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You need Xanax blowdarts
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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