after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
