I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
