I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
