3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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