normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
