I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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