well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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