I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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