Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
