Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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