just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
