it was like eating out sand paper
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
