a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
