I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
