Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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