do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
