Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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