What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
