remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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