I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
