Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
