i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
