i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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