dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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