hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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