i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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