He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
