Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
