sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
