I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
