I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
